2 Posts, 1 Day?

In a time of such economic instability, you'd think people would start being smarter with their money. You'd think a decrease in overall disposable income throughout the country would translate into less superfluous consumer spending. You might even go so far as to believe that with so much important news, more Americans would pay attention to the world around them and therefore, perhaps, slightly increase their knowledge...or at least become a little more informed (the exception being those who watch FOX News). Most of the time my faith in the American public is minimal. This time, however, I was hoping (just hoping) I'd be proven wrong and our collective ability to act like intelligent, deciphering adults would shine through.

But even that was too much to ask...

BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA WAS THE #1 MOVIE IN THE COUNTRY UNTIL LAST WEEKEND. People paid $11.4 million to see it last week, which was 2nd only to Max Payne. It has grossed a total of $69.3 million.

So let me do the math on this. In 2007, the average price of a movie ticket was $6.88, including children's and matinee pricing (according to the Theatrical Market Statistics Report). Using that figure, approximately 10.1 million people saw this film. And, because this was a kids' movie, we can safely assume that the average ticket cost was lower due to more matinees and child-priced tickets, which would make the number of people even higher.

So what, you say? It's just a kid movie, you say? People are free to see whatever movies they want, you say? Maybe some people just want a break from the mental and emotional strain they're experiencing from recent world events, you say? Go to hell Jake, you say? OK, but don't forget about child abuse. I mean, I'm pretty confident in saying little kids don't like BHC. They're too smart for it. Much smarter, I must say, than the people who've forked over $69.3 million for tickets.

Things I Invented

You know how sometimes you see products come out that you yourself invented several years ago? I sure do. The following is a short list of ideas I deserve credit for:

• Cell phone/MP3 player
  



• Cell phone with a mirror




• One-stop gift card shops (although kiosks within stores are more common)




• "The Nork" (fork with a knife on the side of it - I even named it that)




• A car designed to make parallel parking easier (mine was called the "Sidewinder" and the wheels actually turned 90 degrees so you could go sideways directly into your spot)




• A demolition derby video game




• Digital camera with built-in printer
  

And just a heads up...Watch for the combination of Mapquest Directions and Mapquest Gas Prices (so that you can find the lowest gas prices on your journey and not just in one specific area).

Car Troubles

I hate driving. I hate cars in general. It's no coincidence that perhaps the best 4 months of my life to this point were spent without a car to drive, relying completely on buses, trains, and (God forbid) walking. I wish that were possible where I live now, but it simply isn't. I could get into the environmental problems (and such) I have with driving but that's just boring and preachy - although I'm the first to admit that I'm often both boring and preachy. This time, however, I'll refrain.

I think part of my problem is that driving's too easy. Where's the challenge in getting somewhere if you don't have to look at a series of maps and timetables while braving unpredictable weather? There's no element of surprise, no problem solving involved in hopping in the car and going directly to your destination within the consistent climate-controlled comfort of a car (ooo alliteration). Of course, that's what many people love about driving. But for me, it's unfulfilling.

The reason I'm talking about this is the other day I got a flat tire on the way to my frame-for-frame vision of purgatory: Utah County. OK, no big deal. Just a flat. I jacked up the car, removed the lug nuts and then...the damn wheel wouldn't come off. I pulled and jiggled and pryed - the thing wouldn't budge. I gave up after about 20 minutes and decided to walk to the nearest TRAX station, take the train home, get Lindsay's car, then pick her up and head on down to Disneyland's antithesis. We would have to leave the car issue for the next day.

The next day came and I decided to look for some suggestions online of how to remove a stuck wheel. I read an idea that sounded risky, so I called Discount Tire, who told me to put my back to the tire and kick the sidewall. I tried this for a while, but to no avail. Luckily a guy from Discount Tire was nice enough to meet me where I was and help me out. He kicked for a while, then finally was able to knock it loose. I was relieved.

This is going somewhere I promise.

So I put the spare on and drove up to the shop to have the tire fixed. I'll tell you this - there are few places I feel more intimidated than at a car repair shop. I feel embarrassed to bring in my neglected car and talk to a mechanic - someone who knows more about my car by glancing at it than I do by driving it. The thing is, as I already said I don't like cars. And I always stand there thinking, "Man, they know I don't care about my car and they totally resent me for that. They think I'm a disgrace to the class of people who call themselves 'auto owners'."

In most social situations, I'm not afraid to admit my aforementioned loathing. But I always find myself wanting the mechanic's approval so bad that I'll act like I care. I won't let my cluelessness about engines, tires, brakes, etc. shine through because I'm worried they'll refuse to serve me if I appear indifferent about their livelihood. I'm pretty sure if I was left alone with a pack of mechanics, they'd choose to shun me rather than attempt to raise me as one of their own. There's simply no hope for an anti-autoist such as myself.

Who Needs the Bailout?

I should be Secretary of the Treasury. Throughout all the economic insanity as of late, I've known exactly what needs to be done to solve it. It's not that financial institutions need rescuing or that home-owners need help with mortgages, it's much more simple than that: California's Proposition 8 needs to pass. Don't see the connection? Let me explain.

When California's Supreme Court decided to lift the ban on gay marriage in their state, I panicked. I, being married, went straight to an appraiser, only to be told what I already suspected: my marriage had been sharply devalued. Overnight I saw my marriage drop about 70% - and I was one of the lucky ones. I heard of marriages in Rhode Island and Ohio dropping as much as 98.5% not one minute after California said (in effect), "We don't care about basic economics." It was the beginning of a national catastrophe.

So I had to do it. I had to sell off what was left of my marriage. I know, I know...it was selfish. But honestly, I didn't want to fall into an even deeper hole as my marriage's value declined further and further. I had to salvage what was left so I could invest in (perfectly legal) Vegas drive-thru chapels.

Anyway, it should now be clear why the passing of Proposition 8 would save our economy. Once gay marriage is banned once again in California, more people will be attracted to buying up marriages and fewer investors will want to sell. Marriage values nationwide will increase and we will be back on track.

It's a crazy world out there and these are crazy times. But hey, as long as people who are different than me don't get the same rights and privileges as I do, I'll be juuuuuust fine.

Obama is one of the crab-people

I'm sure America in the 40's, 50's, and 60's was a confusing place, but research I've done lately (a couple stories from friends about their parents) has shown that 95-100% of Baby Boomers have hilarious political opinions. Mainly I'm talking about the people who don't trust Obama because "He's a Muslim" or "He eats his peas one at a time." The other day I was reading a news article that quoted a lady saying she believed Obama was a Christian, but suspected he "...has Muslim ties." Muslim ties? Seriously? I was, as always, skeptical until I found this stock photograph:



Turns out she was right. And I almost voted for the guy...