Because I like beating dead horses

There's too much on my mind to coherently say what I want to about the gay rights situation in Utah, but I have to say something. I'm finding it harder and harder to respect opposing viewpoints on the matter, and it doesn't help when backlash movements like the Sacred Ground Initiative (as if we needed a reminder of their self-righteousness) pop up.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of the slippery slope. I don't want to be bit by a shark, so I don't even step foot in any state that borders an ocean. I'll die if I get too close to the sun, so I don't even jump. If I eat sushi I might get mercury poisoning, so I don't talk to anyone who's either from Japan or above middle class.

And just like my jokes, this is stupid. GROW UP EVERYBODY. Treat people like people and not parasites. No matter how conceited you are, others are not here to thwart your existence (with the exception of Wal-Mart execs and perhaps terrorists).

I'm going to feel completely vindicated when religious fanaticism shows up in the DSM.

To my wife on her first day of school

So you started school today and it made me reminisce about my scholarly beginnings. Here's some advice for you, based on personal experience...

1. When your teacher gives the class an assignment, ask her, "Do I have to do this?" She will most likely say, "No, you don't have to." Go ahead and ignore the assignment.

2. Don't whisper swear words to your friends. The teacher will inevitably find out and threaten to wash your mouth out with soap.

3. When the talent show comes, don't pretend like you do karate. The other kids will probably realize you're lying when they see that your black belt (which isn't even tied right) looks as if your mom took a white belt and dyed it. They will definitely realize it's fake when your turn comes to perform your talent and you have no idea what you're doing.

4. There is more than one way to think about Green Eggs and Ham. While you may believe that both the eggs and the ham are green, it's quite possible that only the eggs are green. After all, it's not "Green Eggs and Green Ham", right?

5. Don't believe the girl who says she got braces. Really she's just pressing her gum on the roof of her mouth. Just because you don't know what braces are yet doesn't mean you have to accept every claim your classmates make about them.

6. When your girlfriend...I mean boyfriend...let me start over. When your temporary childhood partner doesn't show up for class, it doesn't mean she/he doesn't like you anymore.

7. Fire drills are not real fires. They are just practice in case something like a fire happens. There's really no need to panic/cry.

8. Your teacher's name is Mrs. Miller.

I hope this is helpful. Good luck, knock 'em dead, break a leg, and do some other violent things that for some reason signify success.

Twelve Days of Christmas

Christmas is over and I've never been more relieved to say that than this year. Not that it wasn't good to see family and such but it was just too much driving, socializing, and terrible weather. It's almost to the point where I'd actually go see Four Christmases and find it funny. Wait, what the hell am I saying? There's no way it will ever come to that. Anyway, I know Thanksgiving is over, but this year I'm thankful that Christmas isn't actually 12 days long like in that stupid song. Can you imagine if it was?

That reminds me of something I was thinking about the other day. If the events described in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" actually transpired, here's what one's true love would have given to them in all:

12 partridges in pear trees

22 turtle doves

30 french hens

36 calling birds

40 golden rings

42 geese-a-laying

42 swans-a-swimming

40 maids-a-milking

36 ladies dancing

30 lords-a-leaping

22 pipers piping

12 drummers drumming

Here's the forumla for this: t=v(13-v), where 't' is the total number of that particular item given and 'v' is the number of that particular item in 1 verse. That way you don't have to manually count how many french hens or lords-a-leaping to get the total. (See graph above).

For me, getting all that stuff would make Christmas infinitely worse (See graph to the right). I'm not a big fan of birds, jewelry, servants, strippers, or the phrase "Jumping Jesus!" Bagpipes and drumlines aren't bad, but 22 and 12 of those, respectively, is just too much. I'm glad Lindsay decided to just get me Rock Band.

Write Another Blog, Dammit!

On Behalf of the Conspirators

Dear Climate Change "Skeptics":

It's about time we came clean to you. You've been right all along - we (the scientists, scholars, and crazy Al Gore worshippers) made it all up, and for no other reason than to exert our totalitarian-like power over you. Your paranoia, your doubts, your transformation of a scientifically substantiated explanation into a political debate - all COMPLETELY justified.

How silly it was of us to believe you'd actually fall for it. One way or another, you were so amply endowed with keen logic and reasoning skills and we therefore should have known better. When we said the earth's temperature was slowly and slightly increasing, you looked out your window in January and saw snow. You had the acuity to realize that if our theory were true, you'd be able to hike Everest in shorts and a t-shirt. And you probably know this, but when we said that the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change was comprised of hundreds of scientists from around the world, we really gathered a bunch of people to make shit up and publish it.

Perhaps it is presumptuous of us to draft a letter to you because, after all, you never took us seriously in the first place. But we still feel you are deserving of an apology and an explanation. Our intentions were somewhat innocent: we thought it would be fun to see if you'd actually change your habits, maybe by driving less and conserving more. Admittedly, however, it was wrong of us and we'll never do it again.

Sincerely,

Copernicus, Kepler, Newton, Galileo, Friedmann, and Lemaitre

PWRFL Power

I was lucky enough to stumble upon this crazy awesome singer-songwriter PWRFL Power today. This guy's hilarious and really good. But don't take my word for it, have a listen...




And visit his myspace page for some more enjoyment.

War on Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!

There isn't one. To anyone who is so deluded into thinking so: STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM AND GET A GRIP ON REALITY. We don't need to make holidays political and we don't need people crying about being persecuted for being Christian. If you truly believe you're being persecuted, here's some advice: hop in your SUV, drive out of your gated suburban community and to a place where not everyone's hardest decision is which of their 176 outfits they want to wear to Wednesday night's church activity.