Buff Fay

Easter dinner. Went there. It's huge. Wasn't disappointed. That's all.

Shoot 'em up!

Scanning the headlines on Sunday, I saw the following: "Accidental shooting sends man to hospital"; "Salt Lake City police investigate drive-by shooting"; "7 residents, 1 nurse die in nursing home shooting."

Interesting - there wasn't a single one that read, "Man saves the day by using gun for self-defense." In fact, I can't remember the last time I saw a story even remotely close to that (outside of cops doing so).

And I was naive enough to believe that the Utah state legislature actually passed a bill to legalize loaded guns in cars. There's no way they'd be that stupid!

MORE Claypool

He's playing a Whamola bass. I googled "Les Claypool instrument weird" to figure that out.

No one likes to be viewed as a "Project"

I did something pretty out-of-character this week. It was Wednesday night and I didn't feel like being lazy so I went to the good old LDS church to see if dudes were playing basketball. They were! It was pretty fun and it turns out most of them are neighbors of ours so we were all pretty chummy. So they asked me if I wanted to come play at their game on Saturday because a few of them weren't going to be able to make it. I said sure.

I got to the game a little early Saturday and was chatting with one of my teammates. It was amusing because he was asking me questions as if to make conversation, but they were mostly driven towards figuring out if I was Mormon. "So are you married? How long have you been married? So how old are you then? Did you play much church ball growing up? Boxers or briefs or...?" OK, not really the last one, but you get the picture. My answers were fairly ambiguous as I didn't feel like being profiled.

Then he pulled out the big guns. "Did you grow up in the church?" I wanted to say something like, "No, I wasn't aware children lived here" but I decided not to be a smart ass. I gave him a brief summary (wouldn't you like to know?) and hoped that would be the end of my interrogation. Nope. "Well, church is at 1:00 and we'd love to have you. You know where it's at." What was I expecting, right?

I laughed, but again felt an urge to come up with a clever rebuttal. Later when I was telling this story some friends suggested I say, "Really? That's not what the letter I got from LDS Headquarters said." Not bad. Some other options:

"OK, but it will depend on the outcome of my trial."

"Sorry, I administer gay weddings every Sunday at 1."

"Is it BYOB?"

"I would but the pentagram tattooed on my arm gets inflamed around children."

"It's funny cause I was going to invite you to my weekly trip to Wendover."

"Can I bring my wives?"

Because I like beating dead horses

There's too much on my mind to coherently say what I want to about the gay rights situation in Utah, but I have to say something. I'm finding it harder and harder to respect opposing viewpoints on the matter, and it doesn't help when backlash movements like the Sacred Ground Initiative (as if we needed a reminder of their self-righteousness) pop up.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of the slippery slope. I don't want to be bit by a shark, so I don't even step foot in any state that borders an ocean. I'll die if I get too close to the sun, so I don't even jump. If I eat sushi I might get mercury poisoning, so I don't talk to anyone who's either from Japan or above middle class.

And just like my jokes, this is stupid. GROW UP EVERYBODY. Treat people like people and not parasites. No matter how conceited you are, others are not here to thwart your existence (with the exception of Wal-Mart execs and perhaps terrorists).

I'm going to feel completely vindicated when religious fanaticism shows up in the DSM.

To my wife on her first day of school

So you started school today and it made me reminisce about my scholarly beginnings. Here's some advice for you, based on personal experience...

1. When your teacher gives the class an assignment, ask her, "Do I have to do this?" She will most likely say, "No, you don't have to." Go ahead and ignore the assignment.

2. Don't whisper swear words to your friends. The teacher will inevitably find out and threaten to wash your mouth out with soap.

3. When the talent show comes, don't pretend like you do karate. The other kids will probably realize you're lying when they see that your black belt (which isn't even tied right) looks as if your mom took a white belt and dyed it. They will definitely realize it's fake when your turn comes to perform your talent and you have no idea what you're doing.

4. There is more than one way to think about Green Eggs and Ham. While you may believe that both the eggs and the ham are green, it's quite possible that only the eggs are green. After all, it's not "Green Eggs and Green Ham", right?

5. Don't believe the girl who says she got braces. Really she's just pressing her gum on the roof of her mouth. Just because you don't know what braces are yet doesn't mean you have to accept every claim your classmates make about them.

6. When your girlfriend...I mean boyfriend...let me start over. When your temporary childhood partner doesn't show up for class, it doesn't mean she/he doesn't like you anymore.

7. Fire drills are not real fires. They are just practice in case something like a fire happens. There's really no need to panic/cry.

8. Your teacher's name is Mrs. Miller.

I hope this is helpful. Good luck, knock 'em dead, break a leg, and do some other violent things that for some reason signify success.

Twelve Days of Christmas

Christmas is over and I've never been more relieved to say that than this year. Not that it wasn't good to see family and such but it was just too much driving, socializing, and terrible weather. It's almost to the point where I'd actually go see Four Christmases and find it funny. Wait, what the hell am I saying? There's no way it will ever come to that. Anyway, I know Thanksgiving is over, but this year I'm thankful that Christmas isn't actually 12 days long like in that stupid song. Can you imagine if it was?

That reminds me of something I was thinking about the other day. If the events described in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" actually transpired, here's what one's true love would have given to them in all:

12 partridges in pear trees

22 turtle doves

30 french hens

36 calling birds

40 golden rings

42 geese-a-laying

42 swans-a-swimming

40 maids-a-milking

36 ladies dancing

30 lords-a-leaping

22 pipers piping

12 drummers drumming

Here's the forumla for this: t=v(13-v), where 't' is the total number of that particular item given and 'v' is the number of that particular item in 1 verse. That way you don't have to manually count how many french hens or lords-a-leaping to get the total. (See graph above).

For me, getting all that stuff would make Christmas infinitely worse (See graph to the right). I'm not a big fan of birds, jewelry, servants, strippers, or the phrase "Jumping Jesus!" Bagpipes and drumlines aren't bad, but 22 and 12 of those, respectively, is just too much. I'm glad Lindsay decided to just get me Rock Band.