I did what?

So my nephew posted the following on Facebook:

"Joseph Moore wonders why all of his text books are completely in English, but in the glossary they have both spanish and english terms. (no racism intended)"

Good point. Maybe they just printed the same glossary for both the English and Spanish versions. Who knows? But here's what his friend posted in reply:

"Too many people who cant speak english in our country (a little racisim intended)."

OK, so a 14-year-old kid has an ignorant point of view. Who cares?

For some reason I can't explain, I do. I felt compelled to respond to this post and lecture this kid on intolerance and how arbitrary it is to presume any sort of superiority based on the language you were raised to speak. Will he make fun of me? Yes, definitely. Will he actually think about what I said? No, definitely not.

But I couldn't help it. I get so worked up and frustrated whenever I see/hear such blatantly ridiculous and hurtful things, no matter what the source. I have no problem with opposing points of view, but not when those points of view are completely bigoted and/or unfounded.

"You're being intolerant of intolerance and therefore completely contradicting yourself" Fox News would say. True. Promoting tolerance means we must accept EVERYTHING, including child molestation, incest, etc. All or nothing. God or Satan. Black or white.

Otherwise we're simply lost souls, with no moral directive. I, for one, am just waiting to find out my next move. Who knows, maybe it will be to start up another argument with a 9th grader.

Genealogy - I am doing it?

I've been telling people for years that my great-great-great (or something like that) grandfather started the Salt Lake Tribune. I remember learning that when I was a kid, but I've never seen any solid evidence.

Then the other day there was an article in the Trib about the paper's history and it mentioned "Godbeites". My ancestor's name was William S. Godbe, so I did some tedious and painstaking research into the matter. I found this article on Wikipedia about Godbeites and this one about Godbe himself.

To those of you not in my family: I know it's boring to read about other people's heritage. But I found this fairly interesting as Godbe was a former Mormon who had major political differences with the church and used writing as his avenue of expression.

I doubt he was as good an artist as I am though.

Berth Day

I've done a lot of thinking. What has come of it? Not much. Besides a blog, of course. But this "thinking" I've done specifically pertains to a certain day of significance (according to most others besides me).

Here's the thing about my birthday, and birthdays in general: Who gives a shit?

OK, so a few people probably give some moderate-to-gigantic-sized shits about the celebration of the day I was born.

But to me it's another day. I don't really care about other people's birthdays, so I don't expect anyone to care about mine. Simple as that. Is it selfish? Perhaps. Or does it just make sense because, by definition, we were all born...and the annually-occurring calendar day that marks our chronological progression is less relevant to our lives than every other day in the year? Am I right?

I know lots of people like to have a day that's all about them (and I'm not judging those people), but for me I don't like recognition for things I had nothing to do with. If your response to that is, "Well, you made it this far", you're just insulting the dead. Shame on you. And if your response is, "Well, you should throw a party for your parents then", you're asking too much from me. I love my parents, but I hate throwing parties.

Lindsay's family (who is unrelentingly awesome to me) wanted to throw me a birthday dinner, but I didn't want one. I was totally fine with a family dinner, but I didn't want to be the "main event" or "special guest" or whatever. So, I asked Lindsay to let her family know that I didn't want presents, cake, or any special recognition. It ended up working against me somewhat in that by NOT wanting to make a big deal of it, it sort of became a big deal. See, her family is big on birthdays and mine isn't. Simply a difference of upbringing.

While I'm engaging in this stream of consciousness, I'll say this:

Is it just me, or does receiving a birthday card/check in the mail from your grandma make you feel like such a kid? And receiving a birthday card/check in the mail from your parents make you feel like such an adult?

So to say the least, I'm not sure how to proceed. One thing's for sure: I won't refuse a delicious BBQ dinner, no matter what the occassion. If you want to kill a pig in my name, god bless you in your efforts.

Wannabe TV critic? Nah, just bitter old Jake.

Did you watch Conan O'Brian on his Tonight Show debut last night? I did. On the plus side: Jay Leno is off TV--for now (I've heard he'll have his own show again in the fall). Besides that, not much to be excited about.

Let me explain.

So, I like Conan alright. He can be pretty funny and he used to have some pretty cool musical guests on his old show--sometimes relatively "underground" bands, at least compared to your average late night talkshow guests.

He definitely has his annoying quirks, like pointing out RANDOM things and sticking to the standard monologue bullshit routine where he references current events and makes a wisecrack that usually fails to be clever/original. Who knows how much of that is really him and how much is just the writers sticking to what has traditionally worked? I sure don't, but it still makes for shit TV.

Anyway, his "new show" brought something that his old show lacked (but lacked in a good way): a HILARIOUS sidekick/joke partner. I absolutely hate the additions those Paul Shaffers and Kevin Eubankses try to make. Conan had it right before when Max Weinberg wasn't given a mic. Who the hell cares what the lead musician has to say?

Well, Conan now has ANDY RICHTER (how's the CAPS LOCK for sarcastic emphasis working for me?) to laugh obnoxiously into the microphone after every joke. The worst part is, Andy doesn't do anything else. His sole purpose is to be that annoying asshole that detracts from just about every late night show ever made.

And finally, his first guests were Will Ferrell, who has decided to stick to a life of shit films where he acts TOTALLY WACKY, gets chased, falls down, etc etc...and Pearl Jam. I just looked at the listing for tonight and it says he's having Green Day perform (Why do people still listen to Green Day?)

All this sent a clear message to me that although it's still Conan, the show will continue forward L.A.-style, which just won't do it for me. I'll just stick to my usual progrems.

Taco Taco

Is it just me, or is walking into Taco Bell like stepping into a parallel universe? The food isn't Mexican, American, or even Mexican-American as far as I'm concerned. Once you get past the standard taco and burrito on the menu, you start wandering into a previously unimaginable world of culinary combinations.

Then there's the layout, the color scheme, decor, window signs, etc. Unlike most other fast food places, I couldn't differentiate 1 Taco Bell from another from the inside if I tried. I think after walking through those double-doors and past the candy machines and bathroom down the hall, your mind is wiped clean of anything on the outside. Suddenly you've entered a world where Mountain Dew tastes good and nacho cheese comes on a taco...or burrito...or "chalupa"...or a thousand other things I'm sure.

But what really gives me the willies is the employees.

Taco Bell has an uncanny way of attracting some of Earth's strangest inhabitants to work there. Inevitably the person who takes your order will either be the world's biggest fan of Insane Clown Posse or too short/old to operate the cash register.

Today I went there and the lady who helped me looked like this:




She was really nice and all, but each thing I ordered she repeated back to me like I was in the drive-thru.

Me: "I'll have a grilled chicken burrito."
Her: "ONE...CHICKEN....BURRITO" ( as she touches the screen)
Me: "Yeah, and a cheesy gordita crunch."
Her: "ONE....GORDITA....CRUNCH."
Me: "Yep. And a small drink."
Her: "ONE...SMALL...DRINK. IS THAT ALL?"
Me: "Yeah that's it."
Her: "OK WE HAVE ONE...CHICKEN...BURRITO, ONE...GORDITA...CRUNCH, ONE...SMALL...DRINK. YOUR TOTAL IS $4.82."

I used to work across the street from a Taco Bell and I'd go there just about every day for lunch. The girl who was usually behind the counter would always give me a free drink and a senior discount, and sometimes (if I was lucky) the entire meal free. That doesn't really support my theory, just an interesting anecdote while I'm thinking about Taco Bell.

Buff Fay

Easter dinner. Went there. It's huge. Wasn't disappointed. That's all.

Shoot 'em up!

Scanning the headlines on Sunday, I saw the following: "Accidental shooting sends man to hospital"; "Salt Lake City police investigate drive-by shooting"; "7 residents, 1 nurse die in nursing home shooting."

Interesting - there wasn't a single one that read, "Man saves the day by using gun for self-defense." In fact, I can't remember the last time I saw a story even remotely close to that (outside of cops doing so).

And I was naive enough to believe that the Utah state legislature actually passed a bill to legalize loaded guns in cars. There's no way they'd be that stupid!

MORE Claypool

He's playing a Whamola bass. I googled "Les Claypool instrument weird" to figure that out.

No one likes to be viewed as a "Project"

I did something pretty out-of-character this week. It was Wednesday night and I didn't feel like being lazy so I went to the good old LDS church to see if dudes were playing basketball. They were! It was pretty fun and it turns out most of them are neighbors of ours so we were all pretty chummy. So they asked me if I wanted to come play at their game on Saturday because a few of them weren't going to be able to make it. I said sure.

I got to the game a little early Saturday and was chatting with one of my teammates. It was amusing because he was asking me questions as if to make conversation, but they were mostly driven towards figuring out if I was Mormon. "So are you married? How long have you been married? So how old are you then? Did you play much church ball growing up? Boxers or briefs or...?" OK, not really the last one, but you get the picture. My answers were fairly ambiguous as I didn't feel like being profiled.

Then he pulled out the big guns. "Did you grow up in the church?" I wanted to say something like, "No, I wasn't aware children lived here" but I decided not to be a smart ass. I gave him a brief summary (wouldn't you like to know?) and hoped that would be the end of my interrogation. Nope. "Well, church is at 1:00 and we'd love to have you. You know where it's at." What was I expecting, right?

I laughed, but again felt an urge to come up with a clever rebuttal. Later when I was telling this story some friends suggested I say, "Really? That's not what the letter I got from LDS Headquarters said." Not bad. Some other options:

"OK, but it will depend on the outcome of my trial."

"Sorry, I administer gay weddings every Sunday at 1."

"Is it BYOB?"

"I would but the pentagram tattooed on my arm gets inflamed around children."

"It's funny cause I was going to invite you to my weekly trip to Wendover."

"Can I bring my wives?"

Because I like beating dead horses

There's too much on my mind to coherently say what I want to about the gay rights situation in Utah, but I have to say something. I'm finding it harder and harder to respect opposing viewpoints on the matter, and it doesn't help when backlash movements like the Sacred Ground Initiative (as if we needed a reminder of their self-righteousness) pop up.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a fan of the slippery slope. I don't want to be bit by a shark, so I don't even step foot in any state that borders an ocean. I'll die if I get too close to the sun, so I don't even jump. If I eat sushi I might get mercury poisoning, so I don't talk to anyone who's either from Japan or above middle class.

And just like my jokes, this is stupid. GROW UP EVERYBODY. Treat people like people and not parasites. No matter how conceited you are, others are not here to thwart your existence (with the exception of Wal-Mart execs and perhaps terrorists).

I'm going to feel completely vindicated when religious fanaticism shows up in the DSM.

To my wife on her first day of school

So you started school today and it made me reminisce about my scholarly beginnings. Here's some advice for you, based on personal experience...

1. When your teacher gives the class an assignment, ask her, "Do I have to do this?" She will most likely say, "No, you don't have to." Go ahead and ignore the assignment.

2. Don't whisper swear words to your friends. The teacher will inevitably find out and threaten to wash your mouth out with soap.

3. When the talent show comes, don't pretend like you do karate. The other kids will probably realize you're lying when they see that your black belt (which isn't even tied right) looks as if your mom took a white belt and dyed it. They will definitely realize it's fake when your turn comes to perform your talent and you have no idea what you're doing.

4. There is more than one way to think about Green Eggs and Ham. While you may believe that both the eggs and the ham are green, it's quite possible that only the eggs are green. After all, it's not "Green Eggs and Green Ham", right?

5. Don't believe the girl who says she got braces. Really she's just pressing her gum on the roof of her mouth. Just because you don't know what braces are yet doesn't mean you have to accept every claim your classmates make about them.

6. When your girlfriend...I mean boyfriend...let me start over. When your temporary childhood partner doesn't show up for class, it doesn't mean she/he doesn't like you anymore.

7. Fire drills are not real fires. They are just practice in case something like a fire happens. There's really no need to panic/cry.

8. Your teacher's name is Mrs. Miller.

I hope this is helpful. Good luck, knock 'em dead, break a leg, and do some other violent things that for some reason signify success.