Twelve Days of Christmas

Christmas is over and I've never been more relieved to say that than this year. Not that it wasn't good to see family and such but it was just too much driving, socializing, and terrible weather. It's almost to the point where I'd actually go see Four Christmases and find it funny. Wait, what the hell am I saying? There's no way it will ever come to that. Anyway, I know Thanksgiving is over, but this year I'm thankful that Christmas isn't actually 12 days long like in that stupid song. Can you imagine if it was?

That reminds me of something I was thinking about the other day. If the events described in the "Twelve Days of Christmas" actually transpired, here's what one's true love would have given to them in all:

12 partridges in pear trees

22 turtle doves

30 french hens

36 calling birds

40 golden rings

42 geese-a-laying

42 swans-a-swimming

40 maids-a-milking

36 ladies dancing

30 lords-a-leaping

22 pipers piping

12 drummers drumming

Here's the forumla for this: t=v(13-v), where 't' is the total number of that particular item given and 'v' is the number of that particular item in 1 verse. That way you don't have to manually count how many french hens or lords-a-leaping to get the total. (See graph above).

For me, getting all that stuff would make Christmas infinitely worse (See graph to the right). I'm not a big fan of birds, jewelry, servants, strippers, or the phrase "Jumping Jesus!" Bagpipes and drumlines aren't bad, but 22 and 12 of those, respectively, is just too much. I'm glad Lindsay decided to just get me Rock Band.

Write Another Blog, Dammit!

On Behalf of the Conspirators

Dear Climate Change "Skeptics":

It's about time we came clean to you. You've been right all along - we (the scientists, scholars, and crazy Al Gore worshippers) made it all up, and for no other reason than to exert our totalitarian-like power over you. Your paranoia, your doubts, your transformation of a scientifically substantiated explanation into a political debate - all COMPLETELY justified.

How silly it was of us to believe you'd actually fall for it. One way or another, you were so amply endowed with keen logic and reasoning skills and we therefore should have known better. When we said the earth's temperature was slowly and slightly increasing, you looked out your window in January and saw snow. You had the acuity to realize that if our theory were true, you'd be able to hike Everest in shorts and a t-shirt. And you probably know this, but when we said that the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change was comprised of hundreds of scientists from around the world, we really gathered a bunch of people to make shit up and publish it.

Perhaps it is presumptuous of us to draft a letter to you because, after all, you never took us seriously in the first place. But we still feel you are deserving of an apology and an explanation. Our intentions were somewhat innocent: we thought it would be fun to see if you'd actually change your habits, maybe by driving less and conserving more. Admittedly, however, it was wrong of us and we'll never do it again.

Sincerely,

Copernicus, Kepler, Newton, Galileo, Friedmann, and Lemaitre

PWRFL Power

I was lucky enough to stumble upon this crazy awesome singer-songwriter PWRFL Power today. This guy's hilarious and really good. But don't take my word for it, have a listen...




And visit his myspace page for some more enjoyment.

War on Christmas!!!!!!!!!!!

There isn't one. To anyone who is so deluded into thinking so: STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM AND GET A GRIP ON REALITY. We don't need to make holidays political and we don't need people crying about being persecuted for being Christian. If you truly believe you're being persecuted, here's some advice: hop in your SUV, drive out of your gated suburban community and to a place where not everyone's hardest decision is which of their 176 outfits they want to wear to Wednesday night's church activity.

Sticks and Stones

Lindsay and I matinee'd it up today and saw Quantum of Solace. It was alright - everything I'd expect from a Bond film: chase scenes (involving cars, boats, planes, and good old-fashioned running), cool fights, explosions, and sex. But I was eternally grateful that through all the violence, I didn't hear the f-word once. That would have been offensive! They had to make sure it was rated PG-13, right?

As usual, I couldn't help but look at the broader message this says about our society. I mean, my conversation with you could be "Rated R" if I drop a few choice words, but if I shot you, it would still be PG-13. In fact, I could do a lot more than just shoot you. I could break your wrist, stab you in the back, then throw you off a building and the MPAA would still deem my behavior acceptable for someone 13 or over to observe.

I don't necessarily have a problem with violence in films. My problem lies with a paternalistic organization that has assumed the role of moral regulator and whose priorities are out of whack. After all, is it really harmful to watch the portrayal of realistic dialogue?

Poor Poor Me

I'm exhausted. I can't keep debating with people over the issues de jour. It's quite literally making me mentally and physically tired. I'm sick of reading stories in the news, involving myself in discussions with people on Facebook etc., posting silly exaggerations or satirations (is that a real word?) of my opinions on this blog. I'm glad the election is over and I think everyone could benefit by having one fewer person blabbering about his political persuasions. So unless something unexpectedly comes up and energizes me, I'm going to lay off the controversial stuff for a while. You're welcome.

And I think this is blogging faux-pas (I hope you're playing a drinking game with French-English adaptations) but I just remembered one more pet peeve...when people use the word "literally" simply to add emphasis to what they're saying. For example, "I was literally blown away by what you said." Really? You were LITERALLY picked up and carried away by the gust of wind the other person produced when they uttered the words they did? Come on.

Pet Peeves (I hate calling them that)

Do you ever look back at your life to this point and think, "Man, if I would have dedicated myself to something starting from when I was little, I'd probably be amazing at it by now." I sure do. It makes me think I should stop my helpless cynicism and decide right now I'm going to become incredibly talented at...something.

Then again, screw that. The world sucks too bad to approach life with such motivated optimism. I mean, there are still people who use the phrase "I could care less" without realizing that they mean the opposite. There are still people who couldn't put your, you're, there, their, and they're in the right context if their lives depended on it (like if they were POW's in Britain and wouldn't be released until they did). People insist on saying "Good times, good times" to fill in conversational gaps. And finally (for now), people will claim "It's not the fact that he stole my car, drove to my best friend's house to cheat on me with her, ran over my cat on the way home, and took a shit in the back seat...it's that he LIED to me about it."

And yes, you're right - it does say something that I have to put other people down for such inconsequential mistakes. It says that you need to stop being an asshole and realize these mistakes are not inconsequential.

Tragic History

Something terrible happened tonight. Something absolutely horrifying took place right before my very eyes. I'm disappointed. No, disappointment is too weak a word for what I'm feeling. I feel cheated. I feel betrayed. I feel like nothing in the world could ever make up for what I've witnessed.

Tonight I turned on the TV to Comedy Central and Scrubs was on. The listing didn't say it was Scrubs; it said Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert's Election Special would be on. But no, I watched in pure shock as Zach Braff and his stupid face sang some stupid song (then I turned it off as soon as I unfroze from my bewildered state).

Stuff like this kills me. Normally I can (and I do) avoid Scrubs when I see it on the guide, but this time they threw a curve at me. And everyone who knows me knows how much I hate baseball. I hate a lot of things I'm noticing. I bet I come across as very bitter and angry to anyone who reads this. OK, I'll try to be more positive. I'm POSITIVE that Scrubs is one of the worst TV shows ever sold as a "comedy" and that ever got 23 hours a day dedicated to it on Comedy Central. There's a long list of things I'd rather do than watch Scrubs, including transforming into a giraffe and having 1 of my legs sawed off. That would be both more satisfying and a lot funnier than watching Scrubs.

Family Dinners and Politics Don't Mix

Tonight Lindsay and I had dinner with her family, then headed over to my parents' for dessert with mine. Naturally, with the election being only 2 days away, conversations at both locales turned to politics. Because I tend to disagree with just about everything that's said by family members on both sides, I usually remain silent (I like to avoid being ganged up on and ridiculed to death for having my own opinion). Any liberal with a Utah-Mormon upbringing can identify with the feeling, I'm sure. Here's what I envision happening:

Brother: "Obama is a Marxist."
Sister: "Yeah, I'm voting for McCain because I'm against the redistribution of wealth."
Me: "Do either of you have any idea what you're talking about? Or do you indiscriminately accept every label the far Right places on Obama?"
Everyone: "GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS HOUSE RIGHT NOW YOU COMMY!!! DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT FINISHING THAT BROCCOLI CASSEROLE!!! LEFT-WING BASTARDS LIKE YOU DON'T EVEN DESERVE TO EAT!!! COME BACK WHEN YOU LEARN THAT THE ONLY WAY TO BE A PATRIOTIC AMERICAN IS TO GO TO CHURCH, SALUTE THE FLAG, AND (MOST OF ALL) VOTE REPUBLICAN!!!"

So I hope that explains why I try not to get involved. The risk that my family would spontaneously formulate a collective attack on me is just too high.

2 Posts, 1 Day?

In a time of such economic instability, you'd think people would start being smarter with their money. You'd think a decrease in overall disposable income throughout the country would translate into less superfluous consumer spending. You might even go so far as to believe that with so much important news, more Americans would pay attention to the world around them and therefore, perhaps, slightly increase their knowledge...or at least become a little more informed (the exception being those who watch FOX News). Most of the time my faith in the American public is minimal. This time, however, I was hoping (just hoping) I'd be proven wrong and our collective ability to act like intelligent, deciphering adults would shine through.

But even that was too much to ask...

BEVERLY HILLS CHIHUAHUA WAS THE #1 MOVIE IN THE COUNTRY UNTIL LAST WEEKEND. People paid $11.4 million to see it last week, which was 2nd only to Max Payne. It has grossed a total of $69.3 million.

So let me do the math on this. In 2007, the average price of a movie ticket was $6.88, including children's and matinee pricing (according to the Theatrical Market Statistics Report). Using that figure, approximately 10.1 million people saw this film. And, because this was a kids' movie, we can safely assume that the average ticket cost was lower due to more matinees and child-priced tickets, which would make the number of people even higher.

So what, you say? It's just a kid movie, you say? People are free to see whatever movies they want, you say? Maybe some people just want a break from the mental and emotional strain they're experiencing from recent world events, you say? Go to hell Jake, you say? OK, but don't forget about child abuse. I mean, I'm pretty confident in saying little kids don't like BHC. They're too smart for it. Much smarter, I must say, than the people who've forked over $69.3 million for tickets.

Things I Invented

You know how sometimes you see products come out that you yourself invented several years ago? I sure do. The following is a short list of ideas I deserve credit for:

• Cell phone/MP3 player
  



• Cell phone with a mirror




• One-stop gift card shops (although kiosks within stores are more common)




• "The Nork" (fork with a knife on the side of it - I even named it that)




• A car designed to make parallel parking easier (mine was called the "Sidewinder" and the wheels actually turned 90 degrees so you could go sideways directly into your spot)




• A demolition derby video game




• Digital camera with built-in printer
  

And just a heads up...Watch for the combination of Mapquest Directions and Mapquest Gas Prices (so that you can find the lowest gas prices on your journey and not just in one specific area).

Car Troubles

I hate driving. I hate cars in general. It's no coincidence that perhaps the best 4 months of my life to this point were spent without a car to drive, relying completely on buses, trains, and (God forbid) walking. I wish that were possible where I live now, but it simply isn't. I could get into the environmental problems (and such) I have with driving but that's just boring and preachy - although I'm the first to admit that I'm often both boring and preachy. This time, however, I'll refrain.

I think part of my problem is that driving's too easy. Where's the challenge in getting somewhere if you don't have to look at a series of maps and timetables while braving unpredictable weather? There's no element of surprise, no problem solving involved in hopping in the car and going directly to your destination within the consistent climate-controlled comfort of a car (ooo alliteration). Of course, that's what many people love about driving. But for me, it's unfulfilling.

The reason I'm talking about this is the other day I got a flat tire on the way to my frame-for-frame vision of purgatory: Utah County. OK, no big deal. Just a flat. I jacked up the car, removed the lug nuts and then...the damn wheel wouldn't come off. I pulled and jiggled and pryed - the thing wouldn't budge. I gave up after about 20 minutes and decided to walk to the nearest TRAX station, take the train home, get Lindsay's car, then pick her up and head on down to Disneyland's antithesis. We would have to leave the car issue for the next day.

The next day came and I decided to look for some suggestions online of how to remove a stuck wheel. I read an idea that sounded risky, so I called Discount Tire, who told me to put my back to the tire and kick the sidewall. I tried this for a while, but to no avail. Luckily a guy from Discount Tire was nice enough to meet me where I was and help me out. He kicked for a while, then finally was able to knock it loose. I was relieved.

This is going somewhere I promise.

So I put the spare on and drove up to the shop to have the tire fixed. I'll tell you this - there are few places I feel more intimidated than at a car repair shop. I feel embarrassed to bring in my neglected car and talk to a mechanic - someone who knows more about my car by glancing at it than I do by driving it. The thing is, as I already said I don't like cars. And I always stand there thinking, "Man, they know I don't care about my car and they totally resent me for that. They think I'm a disgrace to the class of people who call themselves 'auto owners'."

In most social situations, I'm not afraid to admit my aforementioned loathing. But I always find myself wanting the mechanic's approval so bad that I'll act like I care. I won't let my cluelessness about engines, tires, brakes, etc. shine through because I'm worried they'll refuse to serve me if I appear indifferent about their livelihood. I'm pretty sure if I was left alone with a pack of mechanics, they'd choose to shun me rather than attempt to raise me as one of their own. There's simply no hope for an anti-autoist such as myself.

Who Needs the Bailout?

I should be Secretary of the Treasury. Throughout all the economic insanity as of late, I've known exactly what needs to be done to solve it. It's not that financial institutions need rescuing or that home-owners need help with mortgages, it's much more simple than that: California's Proposition 8 needs to pass. Don't see the connection? Let me explain.

When California's Supreme Court decided to lift the ban on gay marriage in their state, I panicked. I, being married, went straight to an appraiser, only to be told what I already suspected: my marriage had been sharply devalued. Overnight I saw my marriage drop about 70% - and I was one of the lucky ones. I heard of marriages in Rhode Island and Ohio dropping as much as 98.5% not one minute after California said (in effect), "We don't care about basic economics." It was the beginning of a national catastrophe.

So I had to do it. I had to sell off what was left of my marriage. I know, I know...it was selfish. But honestly, I didn't want to fall into an even deeper hole as my marriage's value declined further and further. I had to salvage what was left so I could invest in (perfectly legal) Vegas drive-thru chapels.

Anyway, it should now be clear why the passing of Proposition 8 would save our economy. Once gay marriage is banned once again in California, more people will be attracted to buying up marriages and fewer investors will want to sell. Marriage values nationwide will increase and we will be back on track.

It's a crazy world out there and these are crazy times. But hey, as long as people who are different than me don't get the same rights and privileges as I do, I'll be juuuuuust fine.

Obama is one of the crab-people

I'm sure America in the 40's, 50's, and 60's was a confusing place, but research I've done lately (a couple stories from friends about their parents) has shown that 95-100% of Baby Boomers have hilarious political opinions. Mainly I'm talking about the people who don't trust Obama because "He's a Muslim" or "He eats his peas one at a time." The other day I was reading a news article that quoted a lady saying she believed Obama was a Christian, but suspected he "...has Muslim ties." Muslim ties? Seriously? I was, as always, skeptical until I found this stock photograph:



Turns out she was right. And I almost voted for the guy...

7869 Steps (and counting)

So I'm eating a bowl of Corn Pops this morning and, naturally, I start reading the back of the box. (On that note, it's amazing how little it takes to interest one at the breakfast table. Ooo a 4x4 word search! Oh boy a coded message! Can I find all the spoons in this picture?) Anyway, I hadn't even moved on to the side panels of the cereal box (including the nutrition information) before I saw something that made me do a double-take: FREE STEP-COUNTER INSIDE THIS BOX!!! Not send 4 UPC's plus $2.99 shipping and handling; not enter to win the grand prize of a free step-counter, but the real thing just inside this very box! I hadn't been won over quite yet, however - I was still expecting some sort of dinky cardboard cut-out that you tally every time you take a step or something. Then I reached into the cereal (sorry Lindsay) and pulled out the finest free toy I've ever laid eyes on: an Adidas brand Snap, Crackle, and Pop pedometer.

If you think the world is going downhill fast, you're wrong. Don't believe me? Go buy a box of Corn Pops.

On Sarah Palin (Who else?)

I've been intending to start a blog for a while now, what with my irrepressible frustrations that arise from events and social issues that trouble me. But what really pushed me this time to go through the effort of choosing a template, fonts, colors, title, etc. was something/someone more frustrating than watching The O'Reilly Factor or Hannity's America. The stomach ulcer of whom I speak is, of course, Sarah Palin.

The main problem I have with Palin isn't technically her fault, but makes me resent her nonetheless. It is this: she was picked by McCain as a campaign strategy (and nothing more). It's as if the McCain campaign watched Stephen Colbert's "Make John McCain Exciting" segment and took it as advice. I'll give the Repubs credit for livening up the campaign and making the country associate something besides a corpse-ish rich white guy with their party. But their goal, apparently, does not extend beyond that. They didn't choose her based on her credentials, her ability to help lead, or her readiness to take over should their presidential candidate flop over before his time is served. No, the McCain campaign selected Palin because she was accidentally born a woman in the 20th century (instead of, say, a plantation owner in the antebellum South). I was hoping the American public (even conservatives) would be human enough to see through this gimmick, but she's definitely had a positive impact for McCain.

So I find it interesting that McCain's campaign advisors have been shielding her from media contact. It's very telling that they believe keeping her quiet will actually be better for the campaign than letting her speak freely. After all, they certainly realize it's bad for their image to limit access to Palin, but they also realize she'll kill their chances once everyone gets to know her. I suppose the campaign is happy to let pictures of Palin and her family fly around the media, confirming that 1. She is in fact a woman, and 2. She does in fact exist. I mean, those 2 points alone seem to be enough to influence people to vote for another 4 years of the same old shit.

Instructions for Writing a Blog

1. Convince yourself that someone besides you is actually going to be interested in what you have to say.

2. (After you've accomplished #1): Reconsider.

3. Decide that even though no one cares, you'll still find some sort of fulfillment from posting your thoughts and opinions on the WORLD WIDE WEB and that, in and of itself, makes the whole experience worthwhile. As a mother of 3 children, after all, you've got to have something for yourself.

4. Repeat steps 1-3

5. Make you fall in love with me.

6. Because 7 ate 9.

7. Instead of spending too much time trying to be clever/witty, remind yourself that you're NOT funny and you therefore have no business attempting anything of the sort.

8. Break the ice with a fairly neutral entry, then feel free to begin ranting about everything from politics to religion.